Friday, January 30, 2009

Horror-Induced Goodness

The package on a brand of Nestle hot chocolate:

I know that this is a well-known product, and I know that the woman in the picture is a nice little ol' grandma, or abuelita, but there's something frightening about her. Take a closer look:

She reminds me of Grandpa Sol. Perhaps her chocolate is being used to make his kosher cake mix.

Much thanks to my wife for bringing me this package of psychotic goodness.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A Case for a McAbortion

Part of a package from a line of baby clothing:

Is there anything this corporation won't foul with its greasy McHands?

"Always quality. Always fun." Makes you want to poop your diapers, doesn't it?

Don't Be a Butthead

Here's an ad someone sent me. What an unfortunate name for mail order tobacco company.

And what an inappropriate use of Native Americans in advertising. What butthead conceived this?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Commemorating Kitch

I'm sure many of you have seen this commercial already:

I particularly like all of the white people toasting at dinner and the guy at his writing table who is being inspired by Obama. Yes you can own a piece of history!

You know, I really like our new president and enthusiastically supported him from the beginning. But when they started to run plate and coin commercials immediately after his election, I wanted to start puking. What's next, an American Historical Society-endorsed roast beef in the shape of his head? A toilet seat with his picture on it (which I'm sure Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh would love to use)?

By the way: Palin and Limbaugh are pure distilled evil.

Riding "around" on a Carousel, "Trying" to Catch Up to "You"

If you find "yourself" in Walla Walla, Washington, please "visit" the "lovely" Cafe Carousel.

This is another image I found on the hilarious "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks.

I wonder if, having given them a bit of advertising, the cafe would give me a free "smoothie"?

No Home Should Be without One

I found this ad in the fly fishing catalog with the Freaky Fly Boy on it's cover:

Nothing like a gnarly weathered replica of a human head sitting atop your wine bottle to make you want to stop drinking.

Man, that was one whacked-out catalog.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 1/26/09

I present to you, your Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week!

What is up with this woman's posture? It's like she's been mangled in a horrible accident and now can only stand like the Tower of Pisa.

Roger Ebert, He's Not

Here's a Wal-Mart ad I found in a newspaper a few years ago and featured in the original Gallery of the Absurd.

Seriously, would you take a movie suggestion from this guy?

But wait, there's more!

Here is Oscar asking you to become a friend of the Gallery.
Follow this blog, won't you?

Monday, January 19, 2009

Caring Means Sharing

Last week's entries on cutsie dolls (Claire and Little Devil) put me in the mood to share more kitschie goodness. This one is from Mary's MooMoos:

I wept when I saw this. Sharing really gets to me.

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 1/19/09

Your Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week:

Another in an apparently endless line of models who sport the flamingo pose. See earlier Annoying J. Crew Models, here and here. What is it with the lifted foot? Can someone please enlighten me on this?!

Friday, January 16, 2009

The Church of Hunt's

You wouldn't think that there would be anything suspicious about ketchup...but you'd be wrong! Horribly, horribly wrong! Take a closer look at the label up near the lid:
Sort of makes you wonder, doesn't it? It's almost like the Hunt's people are part of some cult.
If they start selling Kool-Aid, watch out!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Evil, Evil, Evil

Faith Kurtyka's recent submission puts me in the mood to share with you another bit of Ashton-Drake insanity. Here's something that I featured in the original Gallery of the Absurd back in the late 1990s:

Proof that the Home Shopping Network is not the only place where dolts go to buy putrid crap.

I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me

Another bundle of joy brought to you by the people at Ashton-Drake, the ones who gave us Heavenly Handfuls and the M&M Babies. I present to you....Claire!

A loyal reader of the Gallery of the Absurd, Faith Kurtyka, sent this to me. Here's what she had to say about this ad: "The EYES! SO CREEPY!"

And this can be all yours for only two payments of $29.99. What a bargain!

Monday, January 12, 2009

What's for "Lunch"?

Another photograph that someone recently sent me, a perfect addition to our Don't "Quote" Me on That section:

I wonder what kinds of "food" they "serve" at this "restaurant"?

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 1/12/09

Here's your Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of January 12.

I'm not sure what she's doing here. Is she cupping her hand to her ear so as to hear better? Does she have a headache and is rubbing her temple? Is her head so heavy that she has to support it with her hand?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Have a Drink!

Today's Gallery posting is devoted exclusively to beverages. Since for many people, what we drink helps to define who we are, I think that these entries are quite telling.

Here's an image sent to me by a Gallery-watcher in Fort Wayne, IN, someone keenly attuned to the phonetic absurdity of this product:

Yum! A bovine urinary treat!

This beverage is from Germany. What better image to sell a product called "Mystery Drink" than Michael Jackson?

I'm not exactly sure what's in this can. Apparently something "magical." But I wonder if it has anything to do with small boys? Perhaps La Toya Jackson knows.

I found this image at Paul Hardy's website, a wealth of weird Japanese drink-related products:

It's what all the hip postmodernists are drinking. I guess this product is supposed to come after "water," although I'm not sure what comes after "post water."

Here's another curious item provided by Paul Hardy, Pocari Sweat Refreshment Water:

I'll let Hardy's musings speak on this product: "What's a Pocari? Why does it sweat so much?"

Bottoms up!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Better and Eggs?

Here's a label from a carton of egg substitute I bought just recently. I hadn't gotten this brand before, and I thought I'd give it a try.

Once I got it home, I took a closer look at the brand name. Doesn't the 'n usually stand as a substitute for the word "and," such as "this 'n that," "peaches 'n cream," and "Mutt 'n Jeff"? But here, it takes the place of "than." This isn't common practice, at least as far as I know. So if someone is reading this label according to standard grammatical assumptions (even those distorted by the world of marketing), this would be "Better and Eggs."

Maybe I just think too much about these things.

Happiness is a Warm Gargoyle's Butt

From one of the many gift catalogs I receive in the mail. Now, you too can put your hand up the ass of a gargoyle.

Let's take a closer look at this young girl's face just to see how much she's enjoying this.
Aww....ain't that cute!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

My Holiday Chub

This is something we got for the holidays, part of a package containing summer sausage, crackers, and processed cheese products (including a cheese spread with "Havarti-type flavor"). I was particularly moved by this item, a cheddar flavor cheese product:

I know that "chub" may be an appropriate word for meat logs and cheese logs of this sort, but it nonetheless strikes as weird. Especially given this product's shape. Think about it.

Quacking Up

I'm not sure what to make of this duck/goose blind. Is it something like a Trojan horse?

Gives a new meaning to those who really want to get into their sport.

Once again, a special thanks to Scott Gilford who provided this ad.

Monday, January 5, 2009

If Fortune Be a Woman...

This was an image I found on the wrapper of a fortune cookie I recently got at a Chinese restaurant.

A couple of things about this bother me. First, why is a Western-looking cutesy, sickeningly sweet, little cherub the iconic mascot for this fortune cookie company? Also, what is that that she's holding in her right hand? Is it a tube of lipstick? A gnarled piece of licorice? Her crack pipe?

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 1/5/09

Here's your first Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week for 2009. Enjoy it while the holiday spirit is still circulating through your veins.

Since many of us are trying to recover from the break, sort of like a hangover, I thought it'd be appropriate to feature this week some J. Crew kiddies. This is another in a series of annoying uses of children by the wholesomely hip folk at J. Crew.

I have no clue what these boys are trying to do in the image. If you have any idea, please enter your comments below.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Authorizing Jerry

A Yellow Pages ad for Jerry's TV, an "authorized service":

Let's take a closer look at Jerry:

Would you have your delicate electronics serviced by a refugee from the Happy Days Fonzy try-outs?

A great big thanks to Rich Brooke in Bloomington, IL, who dares to ask the question, "Why put a picture like that in your ad?"

Phallic Phun

I find the name of this cosmetic surgeon amusingly appropriate, phonetically (or fonetically) speaking:

I wonder if he also does penile enlargements?

Special thanks to Chris Tlush for sending me this ad.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

Here's a label for a CD commemorating the 25th anniversary of Clown Camp, which in 2005 was held at the University of Wisconsin, La Crosse:

Camp Crystal Lake has nothing on this.

The Psychic Friends Hell!

I'm not sure what to say about this:

"Authentic and accurate"...I wonder if she can see into the future of any abused young boys.

I Never Thought They'd Put Me in the Goon Squad

Here's another entry I had featured in the original Gallery of the Absurd:

And some critics think the U.S. has a problem with the dumbing down of its higher education.

Much thanks to the Gallery's special Southeast Asian correspondent, Scott Gilford, who is willing to travel the world over for a good laugh.

Friday, January 2, 2009

How "Special" Are Your Bra's?

Someone recently sent me an image that's sure to satisfy all of you grammatical sleuths out there, and one that's perfect for our special feature, Don't "Quote" Me on That:

I wonder what "specializing" really refers to here? It sort of whets your curiosity, doesn't it?

Also, why is "bra's" possessive?

Grandy's Guy

Here's a more recent ad, something I received in one of those discount coupon flyers that come unbidden in the mail. This ad is for a local family restaurant chain, Grandy's. My family and I were going to go into one of these restaurants about a year or so ago, but then we decided to leave when we noticed that we were the only customers under the age of 80. Nothing against geriatric-prone premises, but I just wasn't in the mood to see anyone gumming applesauce.

Anyway, there are two things about this ad that caught my notice. First, the fact that Pam Dickey is called "The Coupon Lady." Wonder how she feels about that? Even more noticeable is the face of the guy in the back of what seems to be a happy (and younger) family.

Here's a closeup of his face:

What's with the expression on this guy's face? Did he overdose on his medications? Is the Sunday morning special doing something unseemly to his bowels? Or is he looking like this for another reason? For example, were exactly are both of his hands? Think about it, won't you?

Freaky Fly Boy

Here's an image that I had featured in the original Gallery of the Absurd back in the late 1990s. It's the cover from a catalog I had received in the mail. I like fly fishing and don't usually hold it up to ridicule, but there's something about the guy on this cover that really freaks me out.

Let's take a closer look at this dude's face. Although the quality of this older scan isn't what I would like, here's a cropping that I've enlarged a bit:

Is he sneezing or trying to catch a trout? Is he allergic to fish? Is he conjuring this trout out of the water with his formidable psychic powers? Does he have any teeth at all? These questions have been nagging me for the past 10 years.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Clowning Around with New Years

Followers of the Gallery of the Absurd know that I have a thing about clowns, that I find them scary and disturbing. Here's an ad I came across the other day, one announcing the Bolimo the Clown Show, and wishing kiddies a Happy New Year:

At first, the image underscored my feelings about clowns--what kind of clown would be named "Bolimo" who is constantly purging himself in front of kids?--but then I began to look into Bolimo and became intrigued. I discovered his MySpace page, which is rather twisted, a funky mixture of John Wayne Gacy and Pee Wee Herman. Check it out. You'll appreciate it more if you're on certain doctor prescribed medications.

Great Flaming Balls of Fire

Happy New Year from the Gallery of the Absurd.

My first entry for the new year is rather appropriate, don't you think? But please note the warning:

Here's hoping that your 2009 is a happy and healthy one that "shoots flaming balls."
Changing LINKS