Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Smack Down

There's something about this cereal that bugs me. I think it's the word "smacks," along with the hip sideways cap, that does it. It's like some masked and derogatory drug/racial/urban youth reference, as if Dig 'Em is down in the hood.

Dig 'Em used to be more "white bread," something out of a froggyland Leave It to Beaver.
I can see Wally eating these.

I guess we should just be glad Honey/Sugar Smacks doesn't look like this anymore.
Nothing like good old fashioned nightmare fuel to get your morning going.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Here's something I found in the catalog Mary Maxim, perfect for autumn:

Notice that the description on the left insinuates that this wall hanging is "cute." Seems to me that "freaky" would be more apt. And what's even more disturbing is the fact that the scarecrow--if that's what this thing actually is--has a bad case of happy hands.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Licking the Beaver

When near Walton, Kentucky, be sure to stop by the Beaver Lick Trading Post. It's not far from Big Bone Lick. Two tastes that go great together!

And remember: help promote beaver awareness.

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 9/28/09

Your Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of September 28th:

Here are two more in a series of J. Crew beanpoles. Curiously enough, the caption next to the model on the left reads "Meet Your New Matchstick." I'm assuming this refers to the model.

Also, why are they standing this way, and in roughly the same pose? Is there something about the lethargic, apathetic, and spinal-stenosis-inspired look that's hip?

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Bois d'Arcy Stuff

Last year I brought you the madness and mayhem that is our local fall festival, the Bois d'Arc Bash, and the various signs and advertisements I found there. This year is no different. Yesterday I went with my family and some friends to our 24th annual Bash, and as with last year, this time did not disappoint in providing fodder for Gallery contemplation.

Our religious friends were there, of course. If they didn't show up, I'm sure we'd be nearing end times. Either that, or miss out on the answers to two test questions.

At the Bois d'Arc Bash, there are vendors from all around the rural NE Texas area, selling about anything you could think of. Here's one advertising their peek-a-boo handbags (you can barely make out the sign). They're bags that look like short-short jeans, the kind that show crotches and cracks. Perfect for that little trailer trash in you!

And speaking of trailer trash, here's a vendor advertising underwear, 3 for $10. Nothing like Bois d'Arc Bash underwear to bring out the sexy in you! I always go to small town rural festivals for my undergarment needs.

When you just don't feel like physically taking those twelve steps, try the AA Mobility power chair.

I'm sure the picture frames are good, but you can't beat the "monkies" for value. You gotta love the Bois d'Arc Bash. Where else can the spelling-impaired go to sell their wares?

And here is a triple shot of Bois d'Arcy goodness. Not only do we have an unnecessary quote and a misspelling--apparently these are amazing "tators"--but we have the overdose of hyphens to accentuate the sheer length of their corny dogs.

Thank you, Bois d'Arc Bash, for helping us to laugh about life. Again.

Please Insert Here

When in the New Melones Lake area in California, be sure to visit the Glory Hole Center.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Nerf Face

Here's something I found in the toys aisle of my local Walmart:
Notice the look on this dude's face. It's like he's sniffing a turd.

Why do all "action" games have to include a young guy with a painful look on his face? He reminds me of the spastic game boy from an earlier Gallery entry.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

"Holistic" Understanding

Here's a picture of a sign sent to me by my good friend and a person who was right there with me when I started the Gallery of the Absurd, Brian Donahue. He found this at a local Petco store where he lives in Spokane, WA.

We're trying to decipher this message, pondering the significance of the quote usage along with the sign-maker's rhetorical choices. Perhaps it's a code of some sort, where the wording is understood on a frequency only dogs can understand.

Brian, in considering the mystery, puts it this way: "What does it MEAN? Is it three separate statements? Or two? If two, which two lines go together? It haunts me; it haunts me...."

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Tit Farming

In keeping with yesterday's exercise in sophomoric humor, here's today's Gallery entry:

Someone sent me this picture a few years ago, but I have since lost their name and contact information. If I remember right, this is from somewhere in Washington state.

And just what is this place?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Good Cock, Badcock

Dedicated Gallery watcher, Dave Carvell, sent me this image:
Badcock is a furniture--& more!--chain in Florida. The immature side of me loves this name. But it's not just me. The company itself encourages such sophomoric readings. Their slogan is "Badcock makes it easy," and before that their slogan was "Come home to Badcock." Need more proof? Take a gander at this image from one of their very first stores and the slogan that they use:
I'm sure many guys have tried to make the same argument.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Old House Boy

Here's a sign I found outside a local sign shop:

Notice how the sign maker, or the person commissioning the sign, taps into those tried and true Mexican stereotypes. I wonder...Is this dude related to the Frito Bandito?

Perhaps the Case Vieja mascot should hook up with Fat Taco Boy or Freaky Tortilla Boy.

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 9/21/09

I present to you the Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of September 21:

Read the caption on the bottom left and its mentioning of a "luxuriously relaxed look." Is there anything about the look of this woman that suggests "relaxed"? If anything, it looks like she's having her sphincter probed. Notice how rigid and tight she's standing.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Character Indigestion

My wife took our kids to Sonic for lunch the other day, and one of them came back with a kids meal with these characters on the bag. They're part of Sonic's Wacky Pack Crew, and their presence in our house has given me nightmares.
I guess they have part of their ethnic clientele covered with José, but I wonder about Cherrie. Why is she the only female on the bag...and why does she have a highly suggestive name? Also, that tot thing freaks the crap out of me.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Chia Prez

I was getting a haircut yesterday, and my barber told me about the new Chia Obama that Joseph Enterprises, the manufacturers of Chia Pets, has recently released. At first, I thought this was some kind of joke. So when I got home I looked this up, and lo and behold, my barber was right!
Chia Prez
This is one of those moments in my life when I'm not sure whether I should laugh or weep in unmitigated fear. On the one hand, I think that this is a fun, albeit kitschy, way of celebrating our new president. On the other hand, I'm rather disturbed by the chia 'fro he's growing. Perhaps this is what is fueling the underlying, but not so subtle, racial animosity of people such as representative Joe Wilson, Glenn Beck, and Fat Ass Limbaugh.

As if the reality of a Chia Obama head isn't disturbing enough, here's a commercial advertising the product:
And remember, folks: you can get your Chia Obama in one of two expressions, the "Happy" or the "Determined" look!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Frigging Fun

When visiting San Diego's Point Loma community, please be sure to stay at the Loma Lodge. Being able to frig in all the rooms, your visit is sure to be a memorable experience.

And remember, they have an "awesome staff."

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Cerealized Fun

Apparently Walmart is in the process of changing the packaging of their Great Value products. These are the store-brand equivalents of popular name-brand items, but at a cheaper price. I've noticed that for some reason, instead of making their packaging colorful, eye-catching, and similar to the brand names they're competing against--like they used to do--the marketing gurus at Walmart have chosen instead to go with a plain white background on their Great Value products, something reminiscent of the old unattractive "No Name" brands of food that came out a couple of decades ago. In many cases this packaging choice makes their products seem dull and uninviting--sort of like a purging of any personality--but in the case of their cereals, this blankness just accentuates the weirdness inherent in their choice of branding.

Take, for example, their Berry Crunch cereal. I don't know about you, but I find these blueberries rather evil-looking and intimidating. Who wants to put that stuff into their mouths first thing in the morning? They're like blue angry parasites.

Then there's Cocoa Cool. Outside of the dorky sounding name, there's the image of a hippo opening his mouth with a bunch of brown stuff in it. I know that hippos may bathe in dirty water, but what might this box-top image suggest?

The little mascot on Cinnamon Crunch makes me sad. He looks like he's dancing in a pathetic attempt to gain our approval. I think we've all known such figures, people who just try too hard to fit in and in doing so, turn us off completely. Sorry, little Cinnamon Crunch are not loved.

I'm not sure what it is about fogs and fruit-related sugary cereal, but apparently someone at Walmart thought the two would go together. Froot Loops' Toucan Sam makes sense, since he's as colorful as the cereal he sells. But a frog? And a completely goofy-looking one at that?

But hold on, there's still more fruit-related weirdness. This multi-colored cereal has a pirate as their mascot...for some unknown reason. Is the colorful display supposed to remind us of sparkling pirate booty? I don't know you, but I find it quite curious that the name "Fruity Sparkles" is coupled with the image of pirates--men who are alone with other men aboard ship for long stretches at a time, with nothing much to do outside of sharing one another's company. Hmmmm.....

Then there is Walmart's new packaging of the toaster pastries. These are just a couple of examples of the demented-looking pastry dudes that they're showcasing on their packages.

Again, I ask you: are any of you comfortable enough with putting any of this stuff into your mouths early in the morning?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Duking It Out

I saw this advertisement in one of the fliers I get in the mail:

Outside of the obvious kitsch factor, there are other things about this ad that makes me wonder. For instance, if it's so "boldly scaled," then why is this item only three feet long? Isn't that a little short for such a rifle? If so, what might this say about the "potency" of the Duke? And for that matter, if the "replica sheath" with a "leather-look" is really supposed to be a replica, then why is it made of faux material and not pure leather? More importantly, if it's so "authentic," then why does it bear cheesy images of John Wayne?

Monday, September 14, 2009

Holding Your Putty

I noticed this package in the store the other day. What struck me about the label is where the merchandisers chose to put the product relative to the images. The boy has his hand around the elongated egg of Silly Putty in front of his crotch, and he's holding it out for all to see. The girl is pointing to it, and both have big smiles on their faces.

Does this sound like I'm perverted or reading too much into the packaging? Then check out some other kid-oriented products with similar compositions, such as the whacked out/off boy and the happenin' cap'n. Coincidence? You decide.

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 9/14/09

I present to you, your annoying J. Crew model for the week of September 14th:

This is another in a series of J. Crew's flamingo attire. What is it with these women? Is it to show off the legs? The shoes? Or, as one Gallery fan suggested, do they all have a bit of the Captain in them? Check out the entire flock of flamingo models by clicking here, here, here, here, and here. An annoying way to start your day!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

"Island" Getaway

Here's an advertisement I found while down at the North Carolina coast this summer, and another entry for the Don't "Quote" Me on That section:

The qualification of the apartments' location has me wondering. Perhaps they had to add this after the last devastating hurricane, leading to speculations on the preposition "on."

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Whacked Out (or Off) Colors

I saw this in a toy store recently. The whacked-out look of the guy on the cover caught my attention...and frightened me.

This dude looks like he's hopped up on goofballs. Look at his eyes. And check out the wild colors on the box. I think he's been doing more sniffing than he has drawing. The perfect toy for your 5+ year old!

Also is there any significance (perhaps subliminal) to the positioning of the guy's pen, its angle, and how he's holding it? Hmmm.....

Friday, September 11, 2009

Skinny Dick

A few years ago, someone (I have since lost his name) sent me this picture he took while in Alaska:

Skinny Dick's...I wonder if this has anything to do with Palin's "First Dude"?

You know, if it's really cold enough up there, I can see where they got the name.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Tolkien Porn, Part II

Back in July I posted a couple of advertisements for the online game Evony, pointing out the subtext of the ads and speculating on the kind of audience they were targeting. Since then, I have found several other banners for this "fantasy" game, making even more explicit what the earlier ads alluded to.

"Come play," huh? Why do I get the feeling that this game, or at least its marketing strategy, has been designed by lonely and socially inept guys who regularly attend renaissance festivals? Hazzah!

Taking a Leak

Truth in advertising? Guess you'll just have to go there and find out for yourself.

Thanks again to Nick Zachariasen for his willingness to find those popular cultural leaks.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

What Would Jesus Drive?

Here is another in a series of notable billboards along I-30 between Dallas and Commerce, TX. In the recent past I've posted similar advertising curiosities in the Gallery of the Absurd, e.g., the Texas Beach Club, freaky Taco Boy, and Texas-style low-cost divorces. Now another stupid billboard joins the ranks:

I'm not exactly sure what the connection is between Jesus being the answer and RV sales. Does Jesus drive one of these things? If so, how does he make sense of his philosophy and the gas-guzzling nature of this recreation, which could be interpreted as immoral? Is Jesus the best deal in Texas, or is it the RV? Or is Jesus actually an RV, sent here to save us from high-priced camping? If so, why do we need to make a decision between the new and used version? And just what is a used Jesus? Questions to ponder, indeed.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Dork Advertising

If I ever considered using AT&T as a service provider, this advertisement would disabuse me of those thoughts.

God, what a dork!

Monday, September 7, 2009

Smoked Meats

Yesterday my family and I went to breakfast at IHOP, something we hadn't done in a long time. On the front door of this IHOP, there was a sign (below) indicating that smoking was prohibited and then underneath had days and times, the latter of which I took to be their weekend hours of operation (although why would they close at 4:00 PM?).
I had assumed that the two bits of information--the smoking prohibition and the day/times--were not connected, but for some unknown reason had been strung together in an effort to save on sign space. When we got inside, we were seated in a section that smelled heavily of cigarette smoke, although there was no one smoking inside. When I asked about this, the waiter told me that we were in the smoking section, but that on Saturday and Sundays between 6:00 AM and 4:00 PM there was no smoking allowed. We quickly asked to be seated in the restaurant's other section.

I ask you, what friggin' sense does this make? What kind of genius assumes that the nasty and unappetizing smell of cigarettes--repulsive, at least, for those of us who don't smoke--suddenly disappears from a room? Probably the same kind of genius who thinks he/she can correctly abbreviate "pm."

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 9/7/09

The Annoying J. Crew Model for September 7, 2009:

The unkempt is in, I guess. Still, I just want to tell this guy to comb his hair, straighten his tie, and fix the damned right sleeve on his jacket. But that's just me.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Walmart Wonders

There's a new website out there that highlights the many wonders found at Walmart, and I thought I'd use today's Gallery entry to introduce you to it (if you don't already know about it). It's called People of Walmart, and it's a collection of pictures that different people have taken while shopping at the store. You got to check it out.

Most of the images are of the many strange people walking around Walmart--and as many of you know, there's an endless supply of those--but a few of the entries are the kind of things you'd find on The Gallery of the Absurd, ads, signs, or labels that are really whacked out. Here are a couple of them:

I know that there are a lot of ignorant right-wing kooks out there right now convinced that Obama is clandestinely monitoring their activities. Misspelling "surveillance" only furthers that paranoia...assuming they can even spell the word. (Although, note, the helicopter is not black.)

There's a reason why I've always been suspicious of the demo tables strategically placed throughout Walmart.

Much thanks to my brother-in-law, Paul Siegfried, and my good friend, Al Wirtes, for alerting me to this new website. Enjoy, won't you?

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Skeleton Dreams

I was on some website this morning, and this was one of the advertisements I found in a sidebar:
A sexy stomach? What stomach?! I'm all for being in shape, but this woman has wasted away to skeletal proportions. And it's rather ironic, isn't it, that in the "before" picture she's wearing a "Sweet Nothing" t-shirt, and that in the "after" photo she has become just that.

God, how I hate these kind of ads and the messages they send.
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