Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Fishy, Fishy, Fishy, Fish. Where Is the Fish?

Here's something I found a few years ago in a catalog...I can't remember which one.

"Love" for the sea has never been so special.

Notice how jolly the fishmonger actually is.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Something Freaky This Way Comes

This weekend, a circus came to the small town where I'm currently living. I've never heard of the Kelly Miller Circus before. It was a small outdoors affair, not the kind of event the poster suggests. It was the kind of circus that you would probably have seen in yesteryear. Here's a picture of the poster, which was displayed in a shop window (thus, the slight glare):
There is one thing that all circuses, large and small, have in common: freaky clowns. I think the scariest ones tend to frequent the more modest venues.
Why do the really disturbing-looking clowns seem to gravitate to Commerce, TX? There was one here this past November.

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 3/30/09

Your Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of March 30th:

This guy appears to be going for the Albert Camus affect.

The carefully groomed model as existential hero? Sort of gives a new meaning to Camus's notion of the absurd.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

For That Special Canine in Your Life

From one of the many useless crap catalogs circulating out there:

It's a good thing they pointed out where the hood is. Otherwise, I would have been completely lost

Thanks to Joe Boyko for sending me this clipping.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

No More for You, Young Man

Tater Tots?  Looks like these kids have had enough junk food, especially those of the highly sugary sort.

Are are they doing, by the way?

Friday, March 27, 2009

Lip-Smacking Goodness

This little bit of Gallery horror is brought to you by tantra flower, a keen observer of the ridiculous:

She found this advertisement on Hotmail, and from the looks of it, you would think that this is something warning you against lip enhancement. However, if you go to the website mentioned in the ad, you'll find that it's one devoted to the dissemination of lip plumping information, touting such products as "Celebrity Sexy Pout" and "Lip Venom." I'm just wondering why someone would use such a creepy image to sell their products (or for a website shilling these products, since I'm sure the webmaster is getting money out of this).

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Email Update

I've changed the contact email address for the Gallery of the Absurd. The new email address is absurdgalleryATgmail.com (with @ instead of "AT," of course). If you want to correspond with me about Gallery-related issues, and/or send me images to possibly include in the Gallery of the Absurd, use this new one.

Imagine What It Can Do to Your Samples

Here's an advertisement for a laboratory-grade mixer.  I like the example that they give on how powerful this mixer actually is.  
Is mouse liquidation really a burning topic in the scientific community?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

McMemories to Make You McGag

Yesterday's "Happy Toys" entry has me in the mind to post another McDonald's-related advertisement. This one is an older one from the original Gallery of the Absurd, and it was given to me by my very good friend, Brian Donahue:

I don't know if you can make out the words at the top of this ad (it's an old low resolution scan), but it states, "The first porcelain doll from McMemories™, the Official McDonald's Collector's Club." This is just one of the several McMemories entries in the Gallery of the Absurd. Check out "Eric's First Fries" and "Speedee." While you're at it, go to eBay and search "McMemories," and you're sure to find many people selling a lot of this McCrap.

I've seen the face of hell, and it is McDonalds.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Happy Toys

The other week I got roped into taking several friends to McDonald's, a land of culinary evil. There, in the lobby of the restaurant, was a display for the various toys kids (or adults) could find in their Happy Meals. It was both gaudy and disturbing--a central theme of the McDonald's corporation?--and I just had to take pictures of it. I tried to keep the reflections from the plastic display to a bare minimum, but some of the glare nonetheless came through.

As you can see, this was a dark menagerie of plastic crap toys, from "cute" cats with big bobbing heads, to Marvel comic book characters.

And of course, no McDonald's display would be complete without the grand master himself, the Duke of Diarrhea, the Sultan of Salmonella, the Earl of E. Coli, the Nabob of Nausea,
the Merchant of Mytoxins, the High-yu-Mucka-muck of Heartburn, Ronald McDonald.

And apparently, to make it all go down just a little easier, there is even a little Ronald toy.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Cremations R Us

Here's another contribution from avid Gallery watcher Dave Carvell. He found this sign at a strip mall in Port Charlotte, Florida:

I'm sure the cremation folk must do booming business, what with the Allstate and the Sprint stores right near them. But I wonder if the weight loss business is in cahoots with them? If cremation is the process of reducing human remains to their basic elements and bone fragments, then wouldn't this make sense?

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 3/23/09

This week's installment of the Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week is from a recent catalog and features Lauren Hutton, one of the more famous models who works with J. Crew every now and again.

I don't know, I kind of like Lauren Hutton and find her sexy in a sort of rough-hewn way. But there's something about this picture that freaks the bejesus out of me. What's with the expression on her face?

Did she pass gas and is wondering if anyone noticed?

Sunday, March 22, 2009

One of Hitchcock's Dolls

This image was sent to me by Gallery watcher Debra Hancock, an ad for "The Birds Barbie Doll":

This is taken from the catalog of unusual things, Betty's Attic. I'm not sure who Betty is, where her attic is located, or what kind of crap she has stashed there, but there's something about it that frightens and confuses me.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Naked Milk

Here's an image I recently found on a small carton of milk. What caught my attention was the "Fully Clothed Tour!" part of this advertisement. I don't know, but there's something about this ad that feels like it's verging on the edge of child porn.

I'm not really hip to the tween music scene, so I had to ask my son about this weird ad. He informed me that Nat and Alex are part of the prefab Nickelodeon band, The Naked Brothers Band (which I guess helps explain the "fully clothed" reference). In my son's words, "They really suck." From the perspective of my milk carton, I really think he's spot on.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Recommended™ by the ADA

Here's part™ of an advertisement™ for Pounce:

"Cause cat's can't brush"?! Well, they can't wipe™ their little kitty butts™ either, can they?

Did you notice that the above™ slogan is trademarked? I'm sure international™ syndicates are just chomping at the bit™ to use that one.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

When Your Car Deserves the "Very Best"

Here's a sign for a Super Lube in Winnipeg, Manitoba.  

The "best 10 minutes" your car has ever had?  Maybe "they" shouldn't make any "promises" they can't "keep."

I wonder if they need any lube help.

Thanks once again to the "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotes, where I found this entry.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Special K Breakfast

The other day my family went to IHOP for breakfast. My young daughter got the usual kid's place mat/menu and crayons to occupy her time. The theme for the latest place mat, I found, was the Harlem Globetrotters, and this is what I found on the back of the mat:

What struck me was the image of #21, Special K Daley. Just look at that face:

Maybe there's a reason they call him "special."

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Everybody Goat Together

Come on people, smile on your brother, everybody goat together and try to love one another right now.

Unfortunately, I've lost the name and address of the kind fellow who sent me this picture. If you see this, please contact me so that I may give you credit for this find.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Signs for the Grammar Impaired

Your in for a good one today! Here's a billboard not too far from where I currently live in Commerce, TX, right off of Interstate 30:

The Texas education system at its best.  Remember, no child--or club owner--left behind!

In addition to the obvious problem with grammar here, but I'm also wondering why a "Texas Beach Club" is way up here in northeast Texas, so far from any coast.

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 3/16/09

Here's your Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week for March 16, 2009. This one is from an older catalog, but like fine wine, these images just get more succulent--or sucky--with age.
I'm not sure what to make of this guy's face. I want to say he's sniffing a turd, but I'm not quite sure if that's it. Maybe what strikes me about this model is his apparent likeness to Eddie Deezen. Decide for yourself:
Eddie, we hardly knew ye.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

McMore McMadness

Here's some more McKitsch, an entry that I featured in the original Gallery of the Absurd.

The copy on the back of this ad is perhaps even more frightening:

"Eric's First French Fries"
With a smile on his face and a sparkle in his baby blue eyes, "Eric" is having the time of his life. He's enjoying his very first order of delicious french fries with Mom and Dad at McDonald’s. What fun it is to nibble them one at a time, to make them last! "Eric" is the first issue in the Treats for Tots doll collection by world-renowned doll artist Yolanda Bello, featuring happy babies enjoying McDonald's treats for the first time. He's a superbly crafted fine-porcelain collectible doll from McMemories — the Official McDonald's Collectibles Club. He comes with cotton-blend romper and matching sunhat — and an order of "french fries." Relive a child’s joy with "Eric." Outstanding value at only $59.95. Fully guaranteed. Order today.

I wonder why they put "Eric" and "french fries" in quotes? Does the doll have an identity crisis? Are the "fries" something that all of us, doll and mortal alike, should worry about?

Special McThanks to my brother-in-law, Paul Siegfried, for helping me to expose the horror behind one of America's corporate icons.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

With a Little (Lube) Help from My Friends

I found this sign at a Fast Eddie's in Lafayette, IN:

Perhaps they should discover Busty Penetrating Oil.

Friday, March 13, 2009

In Deep Water

Just how small is this pool, anyway?

Special thanks to Earl Moore, who found this sign at a Ramada Inn in Council Bluff, Iowa.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

It's Fuhreriffic!

This is a Taiwanese advertisement for a space heater that had originally appeared on the now defunct website, The Inexplicable Object of the Week:

According to that site, this ad says something like "Our radiator is the final solution to your heating needs! It's FUHRERIFFIC!" Now, I have no idea how serious this ad is--and on the Gallery, I use only real ads and not parodies--and I have my suspicions. But on the other hand, I know how some throughout the world deny the Holocaust and/or treat it in an offhand or insensitive manner. So I'll just throw this out there and let you decide. If you have any information on this ad, please let me know.

Much thanks to a long time Gallery fan, Nick Zachariasen, for alerting me to this monstrosity.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A Classy Joint for Sure

Here's an ad I featured in the original Gallery of the Absurd.  

The Jimmy Hoffa Room: the kind of place you go to "cement" a friendship.
I wonder where Terry is now?

Special thanks to Scott Gilford who send this one to me.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Mr. Big Head

I was at a 7-Eleven the other week, and outside their store I found this poster (excuse the dark part of the upper half, but it was under the shade of the roof overhang):
You would think that in a poster purporting to want to hire good people, they'd use a less freaky-looking image.  Would you work there?  Or better yet, would you enter a store with anyone like this behind the counter?

My god...just look at his head!

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 3/9/09

Lately, I've been lax with the Gallery entries, so I missed last week's Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week.  So for this week, I will make it up to you by giving you two!

The first image is something left over from a holiday catalog.  Anytime J. Crew uses kids, I find it annoying, and this two-page spread is no exception.  Here we have several kids fairly well dressed and in a mountainous region.  Why? 

What really gets me is the fact that the little dude on the right is pulling a Christmas tree up a hill.  Where are the child labor laws?  Sort of makes you wonder how, and where, J. Crew makes its clothes.

Here's another fresh piece of hell, still another image featuring kids:
I'm sorry, but there's just something about the girl on the right that annoys me to no end.  Pretentious little sh*t!

And what's with the multicultural message in these ads?  After looking at these, I get an uncanny feeling to sing "Kum Ba Ya" for some reason.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

When You Care Enough to Send the Very Best

This is another item I have received in a stack of coupon and advertisement fliers that I tend to get in the mail. This one is from a company that prints up customized return address labels.

I was particularly curious about the label they chose to enlarge so as to catch the eye:
The macabre comes in all forms, I guess. If you receive a letter with this on the front, just don't open it.
Changing LINKS