Thursday, December 31, 2009

Full Moon Fun

I was in Philadelphia earlier this week, and while walking downtown on 13th Street, I came across this:
Since tonight is a blue moon, I thought this posting would be appropriate.

Given the name of the establishment, and given the strategically placed smiley faces and what they seem to suggest, I had wondered what kind of bar this actually was. I didn't step in to find out, but I did notice the business next door:

Perhaps this gives me some clue about the Full Moon.

Here's wishing you a SPANKING good time this New Year's Eve from the Gallery of the Absurd!

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 12/28/09

The Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of December 28th:

Since so many of this year's Annoying J. Crew Models sported the dorky flamingo pose--see the postings for January 19, February 23, June 15, September 14, and November 16--I thought it only appropriate that we end the year with a similar image:

Happy New Year from the Annoying J. Crew Model specialty section of the Gallery of the Absurd!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

You and Your Collon

After all of the eating and drinking this holiday season, perhaps it's time to get regular once again.

Mmmmm.....Cream Collon.....

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Christmas Crapper

Another advertising gem from the Mary Maxim catalog:

For all of you Ebenezer Scrooges out there who just want to dump on Christmas, here's your chance.

Holiday Spice

I really liked the 1990s, but culturally speaking, there was a lot of crap that went on. Part of that crap was the Spice Girls phenomenon, where you were apt to see stuff like this on store shelves:

I know there may be some out there who really wanted to lick Ginger Spice's disembodied head, but I wasn't one of them.

A couple of years ago the five musical atrocities got together to make a holiday commercial for the British chain Tesco...yes, the same Tesco that brought you the ginger baby Christmas card.
Watching this brings two words to mind: "cruel yule."

Friday, December 25, 2009

Faces of Christmas

Happy Christmas
from the Gallery of the Absurd!

Here is some Christmas packaging to put you in the holiday spirit:

Look long and hard at these faces. They are what await you today.

Enjoy, won't you?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas McHorrors

The greasy fingers of The Clown touch even our most sacred holidays, soiling the the season in deep-fried foulness.

Two things really bother me about this ad. First, there's the fact that these ornaments are "officially authorized by McDonald's with numbered Certificate of Authenticity." Depressing, if you think about it. And second, notice the smug and self-assured--evil, if you will--posture and facial expression of the ornamental Ronald. Let's take a closer look, shall we?
Silent night, deadly night....

Hot Dog, It's Santa!

Here's something from a Wireless 2 Go ad I found in one of the free flyers I get in the mail:

Nothing says "Christmas" like that appetizing image of a hot dog. Be sure to bring your camera!

Santa looks kind of drunk in this picture. Too much holiday cheer?

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Island of Misfit Goys

Here's something I found in the catalog Keepsake Quilting:

I definitely don't find this "Santa's Helper" inspiring, cookie baking or otherwise. If anything, she inspires fear and trembling.

Kosher for Christmas

You may have already seen this picture somewhere on the Web, but since we're in the middle of the holiday season, it's worth pointing out again:
Notice that image on the "Delicious for Chanukah" sign. Is that a little yarmulke on the food?

Much thanks to my good friend, Dan Walden, for pointing this out to me.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Pillows of Loneliness

If you're not wanting to get your loved one ass fragrance for Christmas, perhaps you'll consider one of these weird pillow blob things:
This is a commercial for a product called Funktionide, and according to the makers, "[i]t is an amorph object whose intention is to provide the owner with an atmosphere of presence thus counteracting the feeling of loneliness. In the visions future people are lonely and with all the new dimensions products offer, humans will eventually turn to 'robots' for emotional satisfaction." Don't we already have something like that called a "massager"? And how exactly is this guy "using" this amorph object? Creeps me out just thinking about it.

Much thanks to Peter Mathews for telling me about this disturbing commercial.

Cheap Ass

If you're still looking for a great gift idea this Christmas, go down to your local Walgreens for a special kind of cologne:

At 50% off, you can't afford not to smell like how many people act this holiday season.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 12/21/09

Ho ho ho from the Gallery of the Absurd! Here's your Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of December 21st:


I'm reminded here of A Charlie Brown Christmas from 1965...but Charlie Brown's tree looked much better than this lame holly branch.

Just look at her...she's so proud of her holly. She probably has no clue where she is. And for god's sake, tie your damn shoes!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Swampy Time

Here's a sign for a camp that isn't too far from my house:

There's nothing weird or absurd about the sign. I just find the name of this camp rather funny, phonetically speaking, even without any Mort Walker reference. Go ahead and say it: "Camp Swampy." Would you go there?

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Creepy Santa

I was out at the mall today--AKA, a descent into holiday Hell--and I saw this banner of Santa hanging from the ceiling:
Something like this is supposed to bring a sense of festiveness, I would assume, but this image of Santa just looks plain creepy. Take a closer look at his face:
This is definitely a Satanic Santa. I think it's the creepy red face. It's enough to make kids pee their britches.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Christmas and Artificial "Sex"

Christmas at the strip mall:

Nothing says "Happy Holidays" like artificiality and inappropriate quotation mark usage.

You know, I never thought of putting a merry widow on a Christmas tree, but now I'll give it some thought.

Much thanks to pink_fish13 who originally posted this photo.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sentimental Kiducation

There are several things about this sign that make me wonder.

For example, why is the name of this place in quotes? What does the punctuation bring you? And what's with the cutesy name, "Kiducation"? Sounds dorky to me. But even weirder is what appears below the pencil: "We turn used clothing into new kids through education." What the hell does that mean? I know that they say that "Clothes make the man," but the way this is worded just doesn't make much sense. Also, what does education have to do with clothes and kids? So what they're saying is that through education, clothing becomes children? Again I ask, what the hell does this mean?

Much thanks to Brendan Van Voris for sending me this confusing image.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Get On Your Snuggie

Looking for a great present this holiday season? Give the gift of stupidity...give a Snuggie commercial!

That's right, who can resist the fun-loving ridiculousness of America's new advertising sensation? Why, the freaky dancing guy in the blue Snuggie is reason enough to watch this commercial over, and over, and over, and over again. Stabbing yourself in the eyeballs never seemed so appealing.

Thank you, Jane DeNoble, for helping to provide us with hours of TV pain.

Loving the Ginger Ones

Happy Holidays to all you kids out there...even the ginger ones. Here's a promotional card sent out by Tesco, the UK equivalent of Walmart:

According to the Daily Mail, the "ginger" comment was aimed at those with a reddish color of hair. Can't we all just get along?!

Much thanks to Gallery fan, Nick Zachariasen, for alerting me to prejudices underlying the ideology of Jolly 'ol Saint Nick.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Clowny with a Chance of Sprinkles

From the man who brought you such memorable Gallery tidbits as "holistic" pet food, McMemories, Speedee, and Clown Town comes what promises to be his most disturbing contribution yet: Mr. Sprinkles.
What really bothers me is where his hands seem to be. I hope it's his sprinkle-filled belly.

Thank you, Brian, for bringing fear into our holiday season.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Holiday Vermin

The other day I received a flyer from our local hardware store here in Commerce, Texas. Of course, all of the advertised items were given a festive spin.

I don't know about you, but when I think of the holiday season, mouse traps and bug killer aren't the first things to come to mind.

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 12/14/09

The Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of January 14th:

It's the holiday season, and J. Crew is back in full swing, exploiting youth in ways that are intended to tug at the heart and sell merchandise:

I know these are just kids, but I really want to sink this boat.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Oral Fixation

The name of the restaurant says it all:

I'm reminded of the famous food scene in 9 1/2 Weeks.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Spread Your Legs and Drive

From the guys that brought you the Red House Furniture commercial comes this little bit of North Carolina goodness:

Mmmmmmm.....gynecology and car sales. Two tastes that go great together.

Going Down to Clown Town

Looking for fun this weekend? Why not take a trip to Clown Town in Spokane, WA. My friend Brian did, and here's the picture to prove it:

Brian says, "I especially like the rejection of the apostrophe in 'childrens' on the sign, like it's some kind of weird double-plural word."

Don't we all, Brian, don't we all.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Santa-tize That Tree

Tis the season! Over the next couple of weeks in The Gallery of the Absurd, I'll be featuring several holiday-related ads, signs, and labels. Just to get you in the holiday spirit.

And to begin things, here's a little something from one of the many catalogs we get in the mail this time of year:

Apparently Santa is hugging the tree, but I'm not so sure that's what he is doing. Mrs. Claus must be holding out on the ol' Jolly Fellow.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Bobble, Bobble, Toil and Trouble

The holidays are upon us, and if you're looking for the perfect gift--or at least something to make your kid pee his or her pants--then consider the J. P. Patches bobble head doll.

It's the extra added bonus, the Patches Pal Embroidered Patch, that's the big selling point for me.

Check out this and other bobble head dolls at the Bobble Head Store. Fear awaits you this holiday season.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Life on the "Beautiful" Mississippi

Here is a sign you'll find welcoming you to Wabasha, MN:
A couple of things strike me about this billboard. First, that it's a "treasure chest of leisure living." What exactly does that mean? Why use the metaphor of "treasure chest" when others would be more poignant and more effective? But more significantly, I find the qualification of "beautify Mississippi" rather disconcerting. With the quotation marks, is the town being ironic here? If part of the "treasure" of living in Wabasha is enjoying water sports--which the sign seems to suggest--then would you really want to swim and fish in a river that's "beautiful"? Think about it, won't you?

Monday, December 7, 2009

Video of the Network Stars

Here's a blast from the past, something that I featured in the original Gallery of the Absurd back in the late 1990s. I think the selection of celebrities tells you something about the time context of this flyer. I'm not sure where I found it...probably in a mailing. Or maybe some homeless person placed it in my hands. Who knows?
As I had said in the original Gallery posting, I'm not sure what the hell this is all about. Eagles needing a push? Goodness sake? How we treat others? How warm and sweet, yet with a foreboding sense of fear and trembling.

And what's the deal with Jason Alexander? Is he constipated or what?

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 12/7/09

Let's all celebrate! Here's the Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of December 12!

I don't care if this guy is an actor. There's just something about this image that just makes me want to slap him.

TV actor, huh? His career must really be going places.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

No Smorking

Some time ago a fan of the original Gallery of the Absurd sent me this picture they took at a Chinese restaurant:

I've since lost that person's name, but whoever you are....thank you for not smorking.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

One-Stop Shopping

A friend, Janine Chiappa McKenna, took this photo and sent to me:
Liquor, donuts, Chinese food...what else do you need for a good time?

Friday, December 4, 2009

Every Unhappy Family...

A little disturbing advertisement for your Friday viewing pleasure:

There are just some things you really, really don't want to know.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

You Say Potato...

Something from a bag of potatoes:

This is such a clever phrase, it just had to be trademarked.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Deep Fried, Deep S**t

I wasn't really around to post anything during Thanksgiving, so let me now give you the obligatory turkey-related posting for the holiday.

There's nothing overtly absurd about this advertisement...except when you look closely at it. Notice that Uncle Ray's Drive-In is "home of the world famous deep fried turkey":

Maybe a lot of people know about Uncle Ray's, but to say their deep fried turkey is world famous...well, that is quite a tall order. What about other places whose deep fried turkeys are supposedly "world famous." Go ahead, do a "world famous deep fried turkey" phrase check on Google. Can all of these be "world famous"? If so many claim to be home to a world famous deep fried turkey, then don't these phrases lose all meaning?

And another thing: when they say "world famous," do they really mean world? Next time you're in Brazil, Pakistan, Ukraine, or Swaziland, ask the folks there if they know of Uncle Ray's deep fried turkey.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 11/30/09

Your Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of November 30th:


Who is this, a fashion Grizzly Adams? I'm sure ol' Dan Haggerty also wore $79.50 pants. And in a variety of colors, too!

Changing LINKS