Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Jesus H. Cholesterol

It's difficult to put into words the sheer horror of Ronald McDonald, especially one that talks. But Gallery fan Nick Zachariasen does a good job of describing this phenomenon. Last month he visited a McDonald's in Mitchell, SD.
Here is what Nick says about his experience:

"Sitting down to what at that den of gastronomic perfidy passes for breakfast, I was subjected to a horror even worse than the dryness of a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. I’ve not seen a display like this in any other McDonald’s that I can recall. They’re out of frame, but this setup has a stereo set of speakers mounted from the ceiling. Yes, this Ronald talks. It not only talks, but sings. While holding the Happy Meal characters, it delivered a song about hiking in the woods with them and encountering a bear. It also extolled the virtues of making sure you bring along a good meal of McDonald’s 'food' to sustain you.
"This singing statue was enough to creep even me out, and I like scary clowns. For me, much of the reason I find clowns funny is precisely because other people find them scary. This, though, actually made me uneasy, and that is no mean feat. This came about mainly because of the face and build. This thing looks like a greasepainted Thai ladyboy dolled up as one of the West’s most adored (for whatever misguided reason) corporate mascots. Adding to the effect were the sun coming up in the horizon behind it and its upward gaze as it held its resin apostles, making it look like some sort of Messiah of trans fats— Jesus H. Cholesterol, if you will— saying 'suffer the little Fry Kids to come unto you, and forbid them not: for such is the kingdom of a heart surgeon.'"

Thank you, Nick. A truly frightening way for us to start our day, wouldn't you agree?

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