Wave a Falg

Today's main entry for the Gallery of the Absurd is perfect for Memorial Day, and it was sent by our ol' friend, Nick Zachariasen, who found this in a South Dakota Hy-Vee supermarket:

Honor those who have fought for this country by learning how to proofread.

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 5/31/10

Here's your Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of May 31st.

I guess it's time for June brides, at least if you take your cue from the J. Crew catalog. I'm amused by the lame mock surprise on the bride's face and the flattened nose of the dude kissing her.

But what's really stupid is the fact that the guy has his pants rolled up...or at least it looks like he does. The cuffs are way too big to have been sewn that way.

Then again, perhaps J. Crew is au courant when it comes to cuff fashion in ways we mere mortals are not.

The Dangers of Smack

It's the weekend, so it's time for another installment of

RETRO-ADTIVITY

Here's a Sugar Smacks cereal box from the 1950s:

This clown's face is sheer terror, no doubt about it. But what's even more disturbing is the juxtaposition of the clown eating Sugar Smacks and the image of the happy surfboarders.

"Parental" Attention

Here's a sign a Gallery fan found at a marina:

I wonder if this qualification of "parents" will cause some children profound psychological problems, intense feelings of inadequacy, anger, and neediness, a skewed sense of belonging that they may spend years of expensive therapy trying to work through.

And who says punctuation isn't important?

Who's Apostrophe?

Here is another one of those annoying banner advertisements that show up on various websites. I found this one on Facebook.

The Internet. What better place for the apostrophe challenged to find gift cards and big lips?

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 5/24/10

This week's Annoying J. Crew Model is from the Annie-Hall-Gone-Horribly-Horribly-Wrong collection. Well la-de-da!

And what's the deal with her feet? Is stamping out her cigarette butt? Is she on her tippy toes? Is she levitating off the ground?

A Regular Guy

It's the weekend, so it's time for another installment of the new Gallery feature,

RETRO-ADTIVITY

Here's an advertisement I found several years ago while looking up an uncollected J. D. Salinger short story in a 1948 issue of Good Housekeeping:

I kid you not, this is a real advertisement for Sunkist lemons.

Just look at the guy's face. Would he lie to you?

I'm King of the Farm!

The freaky-looking Aerobic jug from yesterday reminds me of another weird mascot I've recently discovered. This is the sign from the old Farm King store in Macomb, IL:

There's something about the facial expression on this corn that bothers me.

It's like he's planning some evil act, perhaps involving young farm animals and a post hole borer.

Aquaphobia

Here's an advertisement I found in a local paper. It's from a bottled water company, and it's notable in at least two ways. First, the ad is perfect for our Don't "Quote" Me on That special feature due to its qualification of "pure." Makes you wonder what kind of water you're really drinking.

But much more disturbing is the image of the freaky dancing water jug:

The face on this thing scares the bejesus out of me, and now it's indelibly burned into my brain.

The Future of the Present

UT-Southwestern in Dallas is a medical university, and whatever edge they might have in medical research is offset by their laughable marketing skills. Here's an advertisement from a recent campaign:

Think about it. How can the future of something be today? Wouldn't that make it current...in other words, today? And following this logic, they'd need to change their slogan to "Today's medicine, today," which isn't really a selling point. Perhaps the marketing geniuses in UT-Southwestern's Office of Communications, Marketing, and Public Affairs need a marketing campaign for themselves so that they won't look so stupid.

Vampire Breakfast

Gallery watcher Nick Zachariasen has come through once again! This is a picture he took outside a church parking lot in Sioux Falls, SD:

A curious combination of church activities that raises a number of nagging questions. Do you get a short stack before or after your fluids are drained? What happens if the nurse mistakenly grabs a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth? Can holy water be substituted for orange juice? Does the blood come in different flavors, like the kind you find at IHOP? And with the wording "pancake feed," are there any troughs involved?

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 5/17/10

Presenting your Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of May 17th:

For god's sake, woman...put some meat on those bones!

Gay Johnny

Here at The Gallery of the Absurd I have always tried to showcase only contemporary advertisements, signs, and labels. Older marketing strategies have always stuck me as easy targets. It takes little effort to laugh at something from a distance of several decades. However, over the past couple of years, a number of Gallery watchers have asked for these kind of retro ads, and after careful consideration, I thought I'd add a new weekly feature that we'll call

RETRO-ADTIVITY

Our first entry in the Retro-Adtivity special feature is a label from the 1950s:

Hey Johnny, get your hands out of your pockets!

Given that these were supposedly vegetables from Texas, one could reference the exchange between Sergeant Hartman and Private Cowboy in Full Metal Jacket. But that would be in bad taste.

Private Moments with Comfy Fingering

My wife receives feeds from the company Knit Picks on her Facebook page, and here's one that appeared yesterday:

I'm told that "comfy fingering" is a specific kind of cotton yarn, soft and lightweight. Still, I find the above advertisement, asking "Have you tried our new Comfy Fingering yet?", rather intriguing.

Cheep Sign

Here's another sign I found off of Interstate 30 in northeast Texas:

Apparently the owner of this billboard is grammatically challenged in ways similar to the Texas Beach Club owner. Remember...this is the land of No Child Left Behind.

Gassy Resolutions

I found this sign at a RaceTrac gas station a few months ago:

I understand the "make it...or break it" message when it comes to New Year's resolutions to eat well. But what confuses me is why in the hell anyone would pick a RaceTrac to either 1) begin eating healthy, or 2) visit for the best in delectable treats.

Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying

Here on The Gallery of the Absurd, I usually try to feature only ads, signs, and labels associated with the business and marketing industry. Today's entry is a sign I found in a neighbor's lawn, but I guess that in many ways, it is trying to sell something.

Hmmmm....Might the emphasis on the word "hope" be a less-than-veiled dig at President Obama?

Nice to know that the religious "industry" is investing its capital in such positive and uplifting ways.

New Domain

The Gallery of the Absurd now has its own domain name:

http://galleryofabsurd.com

Use it. Live it. Love it.

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 5/10/10

Here's your Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of May 10th:

What a hip dude. Truly.

Together Time

Several years ago, someone sent me this image from a company called Together Time, a craft club for kids and parents. Apparently, you would subscribe to the club and they would send you monthly activities that you could then collect in a special box.

I think this company has since gone out of business. This is understandable, given the looks of this advertisement. There's something about the way the people's heads are drawn that kind of creep me out.

Sexy Apostrophes

Apparently at the Sexy World Megastore in Darwin, Australia, apostrophes are an erotic turn-on, right up there with leather, oils, and dildos.

Thanks once again to the Apostrophe Catastrophes blog, where I found today's Gallery entry.

"Elite" Transportation

Driving down to Dallas this morning on Interstate 30, I passed a National Carrier truck. I found their slogan curious:

I guess there's really nothing special or exclusive about this shipping company.

Steven Seagal, Drink Magnate

Here's something I found a couple of years ago, Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt:

This is one of the nastiest things you could ever put in your mouth. It's what I would imagine horse piss tasting like.

The quote at the bottom, supposedly from Seagal, reads, "A natural energy drink packed with vitamins and exotic botanicals." And you know he isn't kidding. Just look at his face:

If that look doesn't say "exotic botanicals," I don't know what does.

"Heavy" Protection

I found this sign in the window of a farm supply store here in Commerce, TX:

I'm not exactly sure why "the best in heavy duty protection" is in quotes. Is this something someone said, an instance of direct discourse? And if someone did utter this statement, then why is it so special that it needs to be quoted? Questions to ponder...

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 5/3/10

The Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of May 3rd.

This one is fashionably disheveled and unkempt, as if she's adopting an "I don't care" stance. I guess the engagé look is out.

What Kind of Church Are You?

Here's the front of First Baptist Church in Macomb, Illinois:

I'm not sure how to interpret this sign. What does it say that a church has to advertise itself as friendly? Better yet, what does it say about the other congregations in town?