Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy Money

I was in a Walmart the other week and saw one of those machines that gives you cash for all of your loose change:
What struck me was the woman in the ad, who seemed orgasmically happy to be holding a jar of coins.

For some reason, the character of Trina from Frank Norris's McTeague comes to mind. I'm not sure why.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Snot Funny

'Tis the season...for sinus problems. And this product is bound to work, if not as intended, then when your beverage shoots out your nose when looking at this ad.

Thanks to Gallery fan, Marty Falatic, who found this advertisement in a Safeway coupon book.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Scary Disembodied Elf Head

The other day, my wife took my daughter to Sonic to get a Blast. Adhered to the side of the cup, with the receipt, was this sticker:
I know that strictly speaking, this isn't an advertisement, label, or sign--and I try to feature only those in the Gallery of the Absurd--but there's something just so frightening about this image, I wanted to share it with you.


Hungry Hungry Frosty

I hope that, whatever you may have received for the holidays, you didn't get this as a gift:

So what's the message here? It looks like the snowman digested a tiny village.

And it could be yours for only three easy payments of $33.33!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Pour Me

One of the gifts I received over the holidays was a coffee mug with famous Supreme Court cases written all over it, and as you pour hot liquid into the mug, the names of the losing side disappears, leaving only the winner. Pretty cool. However, when I turned over the mug, this is what I saw:

The instructions on the bottom state, "For best results, use other side." Damn! So much for drinking versatility.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 12/27/10

Like rancid eggnog whose smell refuses to go away, it's time for another Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week.

This week's image is another from J. Crew's holiday catalog, where half of their female models have their hair blown by a big indoor fan.

I guess this is J. Crew's attempt to be meta-referential. Sadly, it's just plain dorky.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Sweet Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS from the Gallery of the Absurd

Here's hoping your day is as sweet as Little Debbie snack cakes...
...and not near as gleefully creepy as their Santa standee.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Too Many Possessions

Here's an advertisement from IT Direct that someone sent me earlier this year:

Not sure if the editor went apostrophe crazy, or if each of these electronic items is supposed to possess something.

Kreep Kringle

I went to check my Yahoo mail yesterday, and what did I see but another shameless holiday plug for Coke:

Outside of the annoying corporate stench of this ad, I find this shilling Santa to be rather creepy. Is it just me, or are Santas like holiday clowns?

"Open happiness"...in hell!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Santa Got Back

More holiday joy from the Harriet Carter catalog:

Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like Santa's big ass.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Peekaboo Xmas


...Because nothing says "Merry Christmas" like the means to observe a loved one from afar.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Coocoo for Cocoa Bear

Don't let the warmth of the cocoa fool you...

...there's something sinister-looking about this bear.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Christmas Time Is Hair

Walking into a store yesterday, I was confronted with this display:
If you ever needed any reason to hate the holidays, this is it.


Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 12/20/10

Ho ho ho, it's time for a holiday edition of the Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week!

I hate staged shoots that are so unrealistic it stretches even the most generous imaginations. This is one of them.

You're telling me this dude is wearing his $395 cashmere blend topcoat (not to mention his $69.50 sun-faced Stanton pants, his $49.50 vintage marled fleece sweatshirt, and his $125 flannel Top-Sider sneakers) while hauling a dirty, sap-laden Christmas tree?

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I Saw Mommy Puffing Santa Claus

Where there's smoke, there's another weekend installment of

RETRO-ADTIVITY

Yesterday we had Ronald Reagan shilling for the tobacco industry. Today we have another two-dimensional figure telling us that cigs are good for what ails us:

Remember to study the puff chart!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Smoke One for the Gipper!

Smoke 'em if ya got 'em. It's time for this week's installment of

RETRO-ADTIVITY

Another holiday fun fest, this time brought to you by 40th President of the United States:
Even in his early days, Reagan's efforts were eating us away, like a cancer, from the insides.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Holiday Grammar's

So does this mean that there are multiple Santas that are on their way, and that the sign maker just inserted a useless apostrophe? Or is the apostrophe correct, and the sign maker has no clue about verb usage?

Remember: Expect delays when trying to interpret this sign.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Oh Come All Ye Painful

Today's treat is definitely candy-related. I was in the grocery store this afternoon, and I happened to drift down the holiday aisle. There, all clumped together like crack whores on the make, stood a variety of Christmas candy. Much of it was Santa-related, and here is where the real terror begins. Let's take a look, shall we?

This one reminds me of something that might appear in an old Merrie Melodies cartoon. And as such, I'm afraid he might come alive when I'm asleep and stab me, or something. (And is that really a candy cane he's holding in his hand?)

These "Crisp Kringles" are even more creepy. They seem like figures who appear to you in that twilight zone between sleep and wakefulness...and all packaged together. The eyes are really spooky. And the fact that they aren't looking directly at you makes them even more disturbing.

This one just looks like a drunk uncle. Be careful what he holds out to you in his hand.


What creeps me out about this Russell Stover Santa are his goiter-like cheeks. I imagine him having a voice like that freaky Tangina character in Poltergeist. And it would be the last thing you'd hear before he "stuffed your stocking."

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Seasons "Greetings"

Someone send this image to me last year, another quotation use catastrophe:

Hmmm....should I screw up the holiday season with single- or double-quote marks?

(And let's not even consider making "season" possessive.)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Elfin Terror Two, Electric Boogaloo

I walked into a Walmart yesterday--mistake #1--and what greets me at the door but this display:
I take a closer look--mistake #2--and my entire day is ruined.

For more Kooky Kristmas Khaos, be sure to check out the Gallery's special "Christmas" feature!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Effin' Elfin'

I was in a Target over the weekend (against my better wishes), and there I found this display for their gift card called "Elfin' Around":

Let's take a closer look at the what is apparently bringing cheer to little boys and girls:


The horrors of the Christmas season continue! Tomorrow: more elfin terror!

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 12/13/10

Bringing holiday joy since 1996, it's the Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week!


My wife, who is a great knitter, pointed out the offensiveness of this image to all who take yarn seriously.

Plus, the hat in this context is completely dorky.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Special Stocking Stuffer

Ironing out all of that holiday stress, it's another weekend installment of

RETRO-ADTIVITY

To go with yesterday's highly gendered retro-ad, here's another marketing insight into what women apparently want:


Mrs. Claus, the original MILF.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Sucking Up to Women

Making your life dirt-free, here it is, this week's upright and self-propelling

RETRO-ADTIVITY

Just in time for the Christmas season...
...stereotyped gift giving!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Storybook Hell, Part Deux

Still another whacked out Christmas-oriented Facebook ad from the good people at Ninimo:

My good friend, Al Wirtes, describes these ads in this way: "How about a service where we computer age a photo of your child and then make a scrapbook documenting their future crime spree? Because, basically, that what this is."

Right-O, Al!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Storybook Hell

I'm updating my Facebook page yesterday, when I suddenly scream in terror at finding this advertisement in the right-hand ad column:

The horror....the horror...and just in time for the holidays!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Freaky Pepper Dude

Driving down Interstate 30 yesterday, on my way to Dallas, I passed this produce truck. The freaky-looking pepper dude caught my attention:
There's something about this mascot that's a tad disturbing. Let's take a closer look, shall we?

He looks more like a green tapeworm with a sombrero.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A Product Which Will Live in Infamy

Today is, in the immortal words of the great F.D.R., "a date which will live in infamy." So what better day to present to you this year's holiday Snuggie commercial?
Every year I venture deeper and deeper into scroogedom. This is one of the reasons.

By the way, what's with the camo Snuggie? And that very creepy Santa at the end?

Weeniemobile

Spotted in a supermarket parking lot by old school Gallery fan, Brian Donahue. I know many of you have seen one of these, but mere repetition cannot blunt this object's impact.

In the words of Brian, "Oscar Mayer: we don't leave much to the imagination."

Monday, December 6, 2010

Stepping Up Holiday Cheer

One-stop shopping for all of your holiday needs!

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 12/6/10

The Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of December 6th:


I have no clue what she's doing. Is she whacked out on goofballs?

Friday, December 3, 2010

Taco Loco

Here's a new sign at a taquería in Greenville, TX:

This innocent-looking sign raises a mess o' questions. Why would a taquería feature cajun-recipe chicken? Why the goofy use of "K" in the spelling? Does the goofy "K" have anything to do with the wacky jumble of letters in "Krunchy"? If so, why isn't "Krispy" similarly jumbled? Is the tilting barn supposed to accentuate the good-natured wackiness? What do goofy/wacky lettering and graphics have to do with a taquería? And finally, what is the connection between a checkered-bibbed sun and eating chicken?

Don't ponder these questions too long, or you'll ruin your weekend.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Superdork!

I was in a Walmart last week, and I saw this image in the men's clothing section:

There's no denying it, that guy has "dork" written all over him.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Great Stuff Head

Dow Chemicals has a new marketing campaign for their Great Stuff sealant. Part of the campaign apparently includes banners on the Web:
The Great Stuff dude's head look inordinately large. Sort of like a really stupid bobblehead.

Glory Hole Recreation

For that special kind of fun, be sure to visit the Glory Hole Recreation Area in New Melones, CA.

Anonymity guaranteed.

And don't forget to stop by the Glory Hole Center while you're in the area!

Changing LINKS