Monday, December 31, 2012

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 12/31/12

Here it is, that moment you all have been waiting for, the culmination of the past twelve months, 2012's final

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week

I present to you another of J. Crew's annoyingly "cute" holiday images:



I hope their boat capsizes, they lose their tree and presents, and all get hypothermia (well, at least the adults).

For some reason, there's just something about J. Crew models that brings out the Grinch in me during the holiday season.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Heads Up!

Always ahead of the competition, it's The Gallery of the Absurd's final 2012 installment of 

RETRO-ADTIVITY



There's just something about this ad that brings out the horrors lying just beneath the surface of the holidays.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Masking the Holidays

More madness and mayhem produced by the commingling of clowns and Christmas: 


I'm immediately reminded of last year's storyline in Detective Comics when the Joker had his face cut off.  But even more disturbing is the actual listing of this monstrosity on the AliExpress website.  This mask is made in mainland China, and this is how the description reads: 

"These latex colorful clown christmas masks scary halloween masks, suitable for masquerade party, christmas, city party, carnival and so on!  There are 3 designs, you can mix order. It would have some latex odour after you just received the mask, please put them on windy place for a while. because  they are in storage and packed opp bags for some time!"

As if that weren't disturbing enough, check out the various designs available along with the people modeling them.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

I'm Dreaming of a White Trash Christmas

When in beautiful Stokes Valley, New Zealand, be sure to stop by the New World Supermarket, home of this year's "Cracker Christmas Party." 


If the term "Cracker Christmas" referred to anything here in America, I'm sure it would be an event showcasing moble homes, NASCAR, unkempt and tacky t-shirts, guns, and the likes of Tom Arnold.  Definitely a must to avoid!

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Happy Doody Holidays

Happy Holidays

from The Gallery of the Absurd!


A wonderous and magical realm of clowns, Christmas, and middle-aged men playing with dolls.

Satisfying your one-stop browsing needs since 1996!

Monday, December 24, 2012

My Christmas Eve Trip to Walmart, Pt. 2



Please, by all that is holy and sacred in this world.  Tell me this isn't happening...

My Christmas Eve Trip to Walmart, Pt. 1

Nothing brings out the horrors of Yuletide commercialism like going to a Walmart on Christmas Eve day.  I had that "pleasure" this afternoon, and while there I found myself face-to-face with terrors that would rival those Kurtz experienced.

On the Gallery of the Absurd, I usually restrict myself to advertisements, signs, and labels.  However, these T-shirts appeared on my radar...and besides, T-shirt fronts are a kind of marketing, right?  


What the hell does a monkey head have to do with Christmas?  And why is a chimp necessarily associated with being bad?  Is flinging poo now a part of the holiday season?


This one is linking a cartoon icon with crass, insatiable consuming.  Is that appropriate?  On the other hand, maybe a soft, dim-witted, absorbing mass composed largely of empty space is an appropriate mascot for our culture this time of year.

While Visions of Tumors Danced in Their Heads

Smoke 'em if ya got 'em!  Here it is, your extra holiday dose of 

RETRO-ADTIVITY
  



All I want for Christmas is cancerous lungs.  Or high blood pressure, or emphysema, or chronic bronchitis, or atheroma, or macular degeneration, or mouth ulsers, or chest infections, or diabetic retinopathy, or tuberculosis, or multiple sclerosis, or Crohn's disease, or early aging.  Really, Santa, any of these will do.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Santa and Sucking

Deck the halls with lots of vacuums, it's time for a special Christmas installment of 

RETRO-ADTIVITY


Another in a seemingly endless series of gendered magazine ads featuring cleaning devices:  


I don't know which is scarier: this cheesy looking Santa or the weirdo kid looking at him.

By the way, where is Santa's left hand?

Friday, December 21, 2012

Scrap! The Christmas Clown

I swear I'm not making this up, but here is a publicity photo for a Christmas clown called "Scrap!": 


When I first saw this, I thought his name was "Crap."  But I'm really intrigued by the fact that an exclamation mark is an official part of his name.  It's as if he is proudly announcing that he's not only a clown, but a Christmas clown, dammit!

Scrap! is only one of a number of clowns managed by Alan Casey Entertainment, located in Australia.  If you think Scrap! is frightening....

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Santa Infiltration

For the past couple of months, these billboards have been plastered all over the Dallas metroplex area:


There's something about this Santa that really disturbs me, makes me want to run screaming from the holidays in a desperate and frantic manner.  A quick glance shows him to be benign and avuncular.  But take a closer look:


That's how they get you!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The McMost McHappiest McTime of the McYear


McDonald's gift vouchers...because nothing could be more special, share more warmth, and better say "Happy Holidays" than clogged arteries, high cholesterol, and an honorary membership in the Honey Boo Boo fan club.

For more McD's Christmas madness, click here.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 12/17/12

The Gallery of the Absurd has been on a two-month hiatus, taking a much-needed break from that formidable and depressing beast known as American consumer culture.  After all, and especially during this time of the year, one can only take so much commercial/marketing/
Back Friday/Cyber Monday/OctoNovemCember shit before anger, angst, and despair set in.  But now we're back, and just in time for Christmas (sorry Hanukkah).  Joy.

And let's get back into the swing of things with this the latest


Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week

And because the Gallery has been away for a while, here's a double shot of warm, creamy J. Crew goodness:

Ah....J. Crew love.  And in Chile, no less.  This is exactly what I think about when I think of Christmas.

What's this bird doing on the left?  Jumping up and down to shake up her fragile package?  Oh, I see: it's to give her hair that carefree tousled look on the right.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 10/15/12

I present to you the Annoying J. Crew Model(s) for the week of October 15th!

In some of the previous Annoying J. Crew Model entries, I've pointed out some of the strange poses, such as the flamingo stands and the head shots, that the company periodically employs in a theme-like manner.  Currently, there seems to be another physical posture that's sweeping the hall of J. Crew, the arm-over-forehead look: 



Is this a pose of denial or shame, hiding your face from exposure, or a desire to air out your underarm?  You decide.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Toasted Health

Great for your health, and only half the nicotine, it's this week's installment of 

RETRO-ADTIVITY

Ah, the days when smoking was linked to fitness:  


And remember, it's toasted!  Are they referring to the lungs?

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Larry the User

Larry, "actual user":  


God, grant me the serenity....

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Ronald Had a Little Lamb

Apparently they are now serving lamb burgers at the McDonald's in Australia:  


I don't have anything against lamb as a food product, but there's something about this ad campaign that's just wrong.

Those crazy Aussies and their McDonald's advertisements!  Check out the earlier Aussie entry.  It truly sucks.

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 10/8/12

As predictable as seasonal influenza, it's time for this week's Annoying J. Crew Model!


She loves her bag.  I mean, she really loves her bag.  

That ain't healthy.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Boppo Breath


It's something even Boppo found out, this week's   

RETRO-ADTIVITY
A classic Colgate advertisement, featuring Boppo the Clown!


In the words of Al Wirtes, who kindly alerted me to this ad, "Run, Celeste!  Run!"

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Freaky Cupcake

I was in the store the other day and happened upon this Hostess package: 


There's something about the cupcake dude that really freaks me out.  This seems like something that clowns would eat.

Also, is it me, or does the cupcake's swirly front hair remind me of TV's Frank from MST3K?


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Sharing My Sausage

Today's entry comes from our ol' pal, Brian Donahue, a guy who was right there at the birth of The Gallery of the Absurd, performing the role of a metaphorical midwife.  Recently he found this image in The Costco Connection, a "lifestyle magazine for Costco members":  


As Brian told me, this image seems to scream out, "Hey ladies...How 'bout I bring my sausage to your tailgate?"  Let's take a closer look at this Costco dork, shall we?


As the old saying goes, sometimes you just don't want to know how the sausage is made.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 10/1/12

Joy oh joy, it's time for the Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of October 1st.


Quit picking your teeth!!

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Guaranteed to scare the shit out of you, it's time for this week's installment of  

RETRO-ADTIVITY

Here is an old poster advertising the Cirque d'Hiver de Paris, one of the oldest circuses around:  


I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!  I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!

Friday, September 28, 2012

Things

Here is something that Gallery watcher, Carla Mowell, recently found in South Dallas:  


If a restaurant describes part of their cuisine using the highly suspect designation, "things," then perhaps you shouldn't be eating there.

Be sure to check out more of Carla's photography on her Flickr site.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Gland Error

Another in a never-ending series of web-based ads that use obvious boob shots to hawk completely unrelated and suspect wares:  


Given the obvious intentions behind this ad, it appears that she's checking the wrong glands.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Free Qoutes


Too bad they don't provide fast and free spell checking.

For today's image, much thanks to the good folks at Tour de Hood, a blog devoted to the "insane glory" of the Detroit streets.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 9/24/12

The Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of September 24th:


Come on, dude, straighten your damn tie!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Homey Don't Eat That

It's time for that Big Mac of ad mocking, that Quarter Pounder of sign ridicule, that McRib of label lamenting, that Chicken McNugget of marketing faux pas...in other words, it's time for this week's installment of 

RETRO-ADTIVITY

On Friday I featured a poorly designed brochure I found at a local McDonald's.  So in keeping with that theme, this week's Retro-Adtivity entry focuses on the many wonderful cuisine and health options that McDonald's has brought to our African American population.  Here are some ads from the 1970s:   


1975

1976

1976

1977

High fat and low quality foods for a targeted ethnic population.  Who says American corporations aren't looking out for our best interests?

Friday, September 21, 2012

Birthday (wait for it...wait for it...) Party

I found this brochure someplace recently.  I can't remember where.  Perhaps I've unconsciously forced myself to just forget.  The image just really depresses me.


Man, this is bad.  The image of Ronald is embarrassingly poor, and the layout just sucks.  Why is the word "party" set off so far below "birthday"?

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Getting "Crabs"

Once again, Gallery fan Mike H. comes through with another contribution.  This is a bag of chips he found while at work:


I think we can all sympathize with Mike as we ponder this nagging question: Why the quotes?   

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Klum Kids

The other day I got this flyer in my mail:  


I didn't think Heidi Klum was the kind of celebrity who would peddle kids' clothes.  When it comes to her shilling, and especially when it is associated with the word "scrumptious," I thought this was more Klum's style:


I guess she could argue that there is a direct link between her breasts and the beneficence of kids.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 9/17/12

It's time for this week's Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week!

Last week I featured a blast from the past, a J. Crew annoying model that appeared in the original Gallery of the Absurd back in the late 1990s.  So let's take a look at another J. Crew model from that time, this one apparently hopped up on goof balls and thinking that she can fly:  


Have things at J. Crew really changed over the past 15 years?

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Riverside Park Horrors

Quit the funny business, it's time for this week's installment of    

RETRO-ADTIVITY

An old ad for Riverside Park, in Massachusetts, which is now a Six Flags:  



As you might expect, there's something a bit unseemly about this clown with the two little girls.


Friday, September 14, 2012

Stop on Pop

Summer has come to an end, and with it many of the ads and sales promos typifying the season.  Here is one such promotion I found recently in a local Walmart:  


Is this image supposed to be cute and/or fun?  I found this kid with the big open mouth really annoying.  And what the hell does fun taste like, anyhow?


As if the annoying kid wasn't enough, this is the Fun Pops mascot.  Look at this dude's eyes.  Is it just me, or does he look really spaced out and high?

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Striking "Golds"

Here's the sign of a gold dealer not too far from where I live:




















When I first saw this sign, it threw me into a multi-leveled quandary.  I can understand the "$" coming after the "U", since the "us" is obviously linked to the money-related aspect of the business.  But why use the first "$" with "gold"?  Do these people--or perhaps I should say "peoples"--usually use the plural for gold in this way?  And why does the "R" have double quotes around it?  Are they trying too much to reference "Toys 'R' Us", which has the double quotes around their backward and child-like "R"?

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Am I Bleu?

Lately I've been posting pictures of some irritating billboards that litter my drive to work on the Dallas North Tollway.  I've been scared shitless by the Asphalt Clown, and left in a quandary by the Dorky Balanced Guy.  Now comes righteous indignation with the Bleulab Girl:  


The quality of the picture may not be great -- hey, what do you expect, this was taken with my smart phone while stuck in traffic -- but it's good enough to tell that you're basically looking at an anorexic in this billboard.  I get irritated by the use of unnaturally thin women used to sell products to a wide population, the vast majority of whose female members are nowhere approximating that shape and size.

As if that billboard wouldn't irritate me enough, I checked out the Bluelab website, and this is the image that greeted me:


What the f**k?!  What the hell is that woman wearing?  What's that hand grenade doing in her mouth?  And is that a doily, the kind my grandmother used to have on her furniture, wrapped around her head?  Damn, now I'm really pissed off.

For a much more realistic version of women's bodies, all grenade-free, be sure to check out the website About-Face.  They're wise to these marketing and media types.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

You're Summer Is Over

Gallery of the Absurd watchdog, Mike H., saw this sign at his local gas station, and wanted to share it with everyone:  


In their attempts to give a last minute push to their summer merchandise, they apparently forgot to proofread.  Are you a checklist?

Also, what's with the obsession over sunscreen?  

Monday, September 10, 2012

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 9/10/12

 Hooray!  It's time for the Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of September 10th!

This week we take a look back at the Annoying J. Crew Model archives.  This is one of the images that I had featured in the original Gallery back in the 1990s:













What gets me about this model is that she's proudly going for the Brendon Small look.


I really miss Home Movies.

Changing LINKS