Monday, July 30, 2012

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 7/30/12

Brought to you through the wonders of science and the courtesy of the most recent catalog, here is the 

Annoying J. Crew Model

For the week of July 30th:


First and foremost, the cutesy, lovey-dovey aspect of this image makes me want to hurl. But what bothers me even more is the fact that this guy is wearing no socks.  Okay, I understand how in some contexts, and with some clothing, they'll want to feature a guy without socks.  But at a wedding, and in black dress shoes?!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

As Gentle and Clean as That Cancer Eating Up Your Insides


Soft and smooth as a baby's butt, it's this week's installment of 

RETRO-ADTIVITY

A cigarette advertisement from a February 1956 issue of Saturday Evening Post:  


Ah, the good upstanding folks at Philip Morris, watching out for our health and equating their product with innocence and whiteness.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Fleshing Out Hardee's



Soylent Green is people!!!!!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Market Baby

At first glance, there's nothing weird or unusual about "Buy Buy Baby," a business that is part of the Bed, Bath, and Beyond corporation.


But if you think about it, there's something a bit off about the "Buy Buy" in the name.  I know they're trying to play off of any number of songs with the title "Bye Bye Baby"--at least I think they are--but there's something about linking the word "buy" with "baby" that I find a bit disconcerting.  

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Christian-Inspired Chicken S**t

Today's entry is brought to you by a longtime friend of the Gallery of the Absurd and who currently goes by the name "Mumtaz Kahn" (for reasons of public safety and hygiene).  This is a sign recently put up in Chick-Fil-As around the country:


For those unaware, the Jim Henson Company severed its ties with Chick-Fil-A over the fast food company's Christian right-inspired very public anti-gay stance.  In an oh-so-thinly-veiled retaliatory act, the Chick-Fil-A corporation began postings these signs in their restaurants claiming that due to a "possible safety issue," they are recalling the various Muppet toys that were a part of their kids' meals.

A "Christian" company resorting to vindictiveness and lies--not to mention egregious intolerance--to boost its own sales and image?  My friends, nothing is more absurd in the Gallery of the Absurd than is this sign.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

More Moving Mexican Mascots

Last week I got a flyer for a local Mexican restaurant.  This one comes with its own happy, cute, and stereotyped mascot: Tupy.


What a joy it is to make Tupy's acquaintance, this pot-bellied young boy with the power to move your appetite.


Tupy joins the legions of other whacked-out south-of-the-border-inspired mascots enshrined in the Gallery of the Absurd, including Spooky Taco Boy, Freaky Tortilla Boy, Old House Guy, Fat Taco Boy, and the Jolly Tamale.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 7/23/12

Well spank my ass and call me Sally, it's time for another installment of

The Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week

This week I wanted to features some annoying images I found on the J. Crew website (not difficult to find those).  I've always  hated the way that clothiers--especially companies that try too hard to be shi-shi and trendy, like J. Crew--use kids, attempting to make them hip, mature, and cute all at the same time.  This latest marketing on the part of J. Crew only underscores my disdain:


The above two images are supposed to be cute and dynamic.  They make me want to shove forks into my eyeballs.  

What the hell is so intriguing about her hair?

If my kid displayed this kind of facial expression, I'd have him committed.  Apparently, he's wearing that bag (?) on his noggin to cover up the fact that he was dropped on his head at an early age.


Of all the kid images on the recent J. Crew website, these two are the most tragic.  In addition to the lame attempt to write copy--"Tee Time"? "Junior Gent"?  People are getting paid for this?!--this kid is just beyond annoying.  I don't blame the little boy here--he's just a kid, probably fulfilling his sick parents' desires to live vicariously through the modeling work of their child--but the executives in charge of this shoot.  I doesn't make me want to buy these clothes for my kid to wear.  It makes me want to buy the clothes so that I can urinate on them.

Just one man's opinion...

Saturday, July 21, 2012

The Return of "Scoopy"

Contrary to what Elvis Costello sang, clown time is not over, because it's time for this week's 

RETRO-ADTIVITY


For lovers of the contemporary Scoopy posted back in 2008, here's a much earlier version of the product:  


Notice Scoopy's name in quotes.  Is this an indication that he's not who he professes to be?

For more fear-inducing images, be sure to check out the Clowns Are Scary special feature of the Gallery of the Absurd.

Friday, July 20, 2012

It All Cums Down to the Money Shot




Ummmm....I'm not certain that the creators of this sign understood the connotations of the term "money shot."

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Insuring Glamor

Around Kearney, Nebraska, there are quite a number of signs advertising this State Farm agent:  


When I first saw these signs, I thought that perhaps they were for a new gentlemen's club and that this was one of their adept lap-dancing strippers.  This woman is photographed in such a way that it seems she's using her Glamor Shot portrait as part of her marketing strategy.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Porn Title?

A sign I saw at a Walmart in the snack section: 


There are several things I could say about "Fruity & Chewy," but I'll leave it to you to fill in your own narratives.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

One-Armed Pizza Dude

This past weekend we ordered take out from a local Italian restaurant in the Frisco area, Giovanni's.  The  pizza was great, New York Style, but the box it came in was confusing.  It was one of those generic boxes used by pizza joints throughout the country, and it had this image: 


The pizza dude only has one arm.  You could argue that his right arm is to his side, out of sight, but if that's the case, then why are there two pizza crusts being tossed up into the air?  Can he do this with just one arm?  Is he magical?  Truly gifted? Possessed?

Monday, July 16, 2012

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 7/16/12

Submitted for your approval, the Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of July 16th:


It's the figure on the right that gets to me.  Overpriced clothing and accessories to dance to? 

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Van Heusen and Eugenics

Championing the cause of equality and ethnic harmony the world over, here it is, your weekly dose of 

RETRO-ADTIVITY

Racisim! Alive and well, and living in suburbia:

Thank you, Van Heusen, for helping us laugh at life.  Again.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Getting a Quickie

Here's a sign recently put up in one of the parking lots at the University of Texas at Dallas:
I've heard of speed dating, but this takes relationships to a whole new level.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Face-to-Face with Ron


I received this image in an email just recently:  




















When I opened the email, it scared the living crap out of me.  The only thing more frightening than Ron Popeil's face on a stick is the association of Ronco and Facebook.  The evil converges...

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Land of the Living Snack

Like many people, I went to see The Amazing Spider-Man last week when it opened at a local AMC theater.  Right before the movie began, AMC ran a series of "Live" messages: "Where movies live," "Where real 3-D lives," "Where value prices live," etc. 
















I'm not sure I'm comfortable being in a place where my food lives.

Kind of a stupid marketing campaign, when you think about it.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 7/9/12

Hold on to your butts, it's time for the Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of July 9th!

Here's an image recently found on J. Crew's website:













I'm not entirely sure what this marketing strategy is all about.  Why the "hobo" angle?  Aren't hobos dirty, smelly, and with only a few teeth in their head?  Why doesn't her pack have a stick through it, which she balances on her shoulder?  And what's the deal with "biennial"?  What the hell does a two-year period have to do with hobodom?  I guess with J. Crew models, this is something akin to being a weekend hobo.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Stepping Stones

Bringing you up-to-the-minute access into the heart of the Republication Party, it's time for this week's installment of

RETRO-ADTIVITY

An advertisement for Weyenberg Massagic shoes that originally appeared in Playboy in the 1970s:


Given recent events involving certain lawmakers in certain state legislatures having to speak out about certain anatomical body parts and functions, can you say that we've really progressed that much?

Friday, July 6, 2012

Sharp Sign

Something found in Detroit.  It's a good thing someone let us know that the edges of this sign are sharp.  Oh, and by the way: there is a dangerous cliff nearby.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Taco Boy

The sign of a Mexican restaurant not far from my home in Frisco, TX.  Their mascot, spooky looking Taco Boy, disturbs me greatly.

I wonder if Taco Boy is related to Freaky Tortilla Boy?  The resemblance is uncanny!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy Fireworks Day!

Happy Independence Day

from the Gallery of the Absurd


That's what "America Day" is all about: financing.  And don't you forget it!!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Raping Clown

Damn!  This is truly disturbing, multiple nightmares rolled into one.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 7/2/12

I've been away for a couple of months, spending most of my time packing and moving.  I haven't been able to keep up with the Gallery due to this  move...sorry.  But I'm back, and here to present you with

the Annoying J. Crew Model 

for the week of July 2nd.

Some say you can't understand your present unless you come to grips with your past.  In that spirit, let's get a grip about where we are today by taking a look at a "classic" J. Crew image from the original Gallery of the Absurd:


Ah, Mr. J. Crew model.  Getting on a boat is really hard, isn't it?

Here's hoping your summer is more successful than this dork's.

Changing LINKS