Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 12/31/12

Here it is, that moment you all have been waiting for, the culmination of the past twelve months, 2012's final

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week

I present to you another of J. Crew's annoyingly "cute" holiday images:

I hope their boat capsizes, they lose their tree and presents, and all get hypothermia (well, at least the adults).

For some reason, there's just something about J. Crew models that brings out the Grinch in me during the holiday season.

Heads Up!

Always ahead of the competition, it's The Gallery of the Absurd's final 2012 installment of 

RETRO-ADTIVITY

There's just something about this ad that brings out the horrors lying just beneath the surface of the holidays.

Masking the Holidays

More madness and mayhem produced by the commingling of clowns and Christmas: 

I'm immediately reminded of last year's storyline in Detective Comics when the Joker had his face cut off.  But even more disturbing is the actual listing of this monstrosity on the AliExpress website.  This mask is made in mainland China, and this is how the description reads: 

"These latex colorful clown christmas masks scary halloween masks, suitable for masquerade party, christmas, city party, carnival and so on!  There are 3 designs, you can mix order. It would have some latex odour after you just received the mask, please put them on windy place for a while. because  they are in storage and packed opp bags for some time!"

As if that weren't disturbing enough, check out the various designs available along with the people modeling them.

I'm Dreaming of a White Trash Christmas

When in beautiful Stokes Valley, New Zealand, be sure to stop by the New World Supermarket, home of this year's "Cracker Christmas Party." 

If the term "Cracker Christmas" referred to anything here in America, I'm sure it would be an event showcasing moble homes, NASCAR, unkempt and tacky t-shirts, guns, and the likes of Tom Arnold.  Definitely a must to avoid!

Happy Doody Holidays

Happy Holidays

from The Gallery of the Absurd!

A wonderous and magical realm of clowns, Christmas, and middle-aged men playing with dolls.

Satisfying your one-stop browsing needs since 1996!

My Christmas Eve Trip to Walmart, Pt. 2

Please, by all that is holy and sacred in this world.  Tell me this isn't happening...

My Christmas Eve Trip to Walmart, Pt. 1

Nothing brings out the horrors of Yuletide commercialism like going to a Walmart on Christmas Eve day.  I had that "pleasure" this afternoon, and while there I found myself face-to-face with terrors that would rival those Kurtz experienced.

On the Gallery of the Absurd, I usually restrict myself to advertisements, signs, and labels.  However, these T-shirts appeared on my radar...and besides, T-shirt fronts are a kind of marketing, right?  

What the hell does a monkey head have to do with Christmas?  And why is a chimp necessarily associated with being bad?  Is flinging poo now a part of the holiday season?

This one is linking a cartoon icon with crass, insatiable consuming.  Is that appropriate?  On the other hand, maybe a soft, dim-witted, absorbing mass composed largely of empty space is an appropriate mascot for our culture this time of year.

While Visions of Tumors Danced in Their Heads

Smoke 'em if ya got 'em!  Here it is, your extra holiday dose of 

RETRO-ADTIVITY

  

All I want for Christmas is cancerous lungs.  Or high blood pressure, or emphysema, or chronic bronchitis, or atheroma, or macular degeneration, or mouth ulsers, or chest infections, or diabetic retinopathy, or tuberculosis, or multiple sclerosis, or Crohn's disease, or early aging.  Really, Santa, any of these will do.

Santa and Sucking

Deck the halls with lots of vacuums, it's time for a special Christmas installment of 

RETRO-ADTIVITY

Another in a seemingly endless series of gendered magazine ads featuring cleaning devices:  

I don't know which is scarier: this cheesy looking Santa or the weirdo kid looking at him.

By the way, where is Santa's left hand?

Scrap! The Christmas Clown

I swear I'm not making this up, but here is a publicity photo for a Christmas clown called "Scrap!": 

When I first saw this, I thought his name was "Crap."  But I'm really intrigued by the fact that an exclamation mark is an official part of his name.  It's as if he is proudly announcing that he's not only a clown, but a Christmas clown, dammit!

Scrap! is only one of a number of clowns managed by Alan Casey Entertainment, located in Australia.  If you think Scrap! is frightening....

Santa Infiltration

For the past couple of months, these billboards have been plastered all over the Dallas metroplex area:

There's something about this Santa that really disturbs me, makes me want to run screaming from the holidays in a desperate and frantic manner.  A quick glance shows him to be benign and avuncular.  But take a closer look:

That's how they get you!

The McMost McHappiest McTime of the McYear

McDonald's gift vouchers...because nothing could be more special, share more warmth, and better say "Happy Holidays" than clogged arteries, high cholesterol, and an honorary membership in the Honey Boo Boo fan club.

For more McD's Christmas madness, click here.

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 12/17/12

The Gallery of the Absurd has been on a two-month hiatus, taking a much-needed break from that formidable and depressing beast known as American consumer culture.  After all, and especially during this time of the year, one can only take so much commercial/marketing/
Back Friday/Cyber Monday/OctoNovemCember shit before anger, angst, and despair set in.  But now we're back, and just in time for Christmas (sorry Hanukkah).  Joy.

And let's get back into the swing of things with this the latest

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week

And because the Gallery has been away for a while, here's a double shot of warm, creamy J. Crew goodness:

Ah....J. Crew love.  And in Chile, no less.  This is exactly what I think about when I think of Christmas.

What's this bird doing on the left?  Jumping up and down to shake up her fragile package?  Oh, I see: it's to give her hair that carefree tousled look on the right.